Briggs'n In The Riggin

As warm days return to the nation's capital, the annual spring tradition is about to embrace the city as it does every year. No, I'm not talking about the cherry blossoms. I'm talking about the embolism that works its way into Danny's brain every spring.

This year? Well, it was Dre' Bly. That didn't work out, since it seems he has reached a contract extension with Denver. And that's a shame, too. Signing Dre' Bly would have been reason enough to break out my puffy shirt. Now we have to go to war with Fred Smoot, which will undoubtedly be better than Kenny "If Losing My Man In Coverage Is Wrong, I Don't Know How To Be" Wright. But I do wonder how long if will be before folks grow weary of Fred's penchant for the 12 yard cushion.

Now it's Lance Briggs that is the center of trade rumors. Several sources have floated the rumor that the two-time pro bowl linebacker might be traded to the Redskins along with Chicago's first round pick in the upcoming April NFL draft (31st overall) for the Redskins' first round pick (6th overall) in the same lottery. It is even reported that discussions have gotten so serious that contract numbers have already started to leak out.

Ri-dic-u-lous.

Whenever I hear these rumors abot Lance Briggs, I am reminded of this line from a little flick I like to call Brad Pitt Is a Psycho and Ed Norton Is Really, Really White. Other people call it Fight Club. It goes a little something like...

"Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy [stuff] we don't need."

It's that last part that really gets me: Stuff we don't need. Stuff like Lance Briggs. We don't need Lance Briggs to be a better defense. In fact, without some serious attention paid to the defensive line, we might as well sign Lance Bass to play for us. It'll likely make about the same difference. And our uniforms will probably be better color coordinated than in years past. So, we'd have that going for us as opposing offenses were stomping all over Bass' adorable frosted tips after running up the gut for 200 yards.

While Briggs is a gifted athlete in his own right, I'd like to take this time to point out a few things that might have escaped unnoticed.

First of all, if this is true then Marcus Washington's injury might be more serious than any of us have been told. Like the career threatening-type of serious that makes teams to desperate things like trade away the #6 pick in the upcoming draft without even waiting until draft day to see what kind of anal trauma deal Denver would be willing to offer us.

Second, if this is true, it really starts to make you wonder about Rocky Macintosh, the gifted future athlete of yesteryear and heir apparent to HRH, LaVar [curtsy] Arrington. All during last season when Rocky couldn't supplant Warrick Holdman for playing time, we heard that this was just Gregg Williams' way. He never plays rookies. In fact, rookies are only good for washing his car on the weekends. OK, I'll accept that. But what would acqiring Lance Briggs signify exactly?

Next, Lance Briggs reported late to camp in 2006 because of money issues. He is now pissing and moaning about only gettig paid the average of the top 5 folks in his position this upcoming season and demanding to be traded. Demanding? Who is this guy? Napoleon?

Buying stuff we don't need.

Finally, when Gibbs and Williams came to DC in 2004, you could ask people on this board what the Redskins needed and, coming in a close second to a Gator enima, would probably have been a desire for some serious defensive line help. Yet, Williams did nothing. And you know what? I'd be surprised if he did anything this year. Sure, we need defensive line help. Badly, in fact. But that doesn't change the proven track record of Williams loving him some linebackers. If given the chance, he'd probably strip down and roll around in a pool of linebackers if he could. So don't be surprised if this deal, which would defy logic for many, actually came to pass. Or if there is a shortage of whipped cream in the region shortly thereafter and if Gregg Williams seems really, really happy about it.

I, for one, hope that it doesn't happen, and not just the part about the dairy products. Briggs was a 3rd round pick (68th overall). Apparently there is all kinds of talent in this "draft" thingamabob. We should try it out sometime.

The whole world is mad, I tell you. Or, at least the whole of Ashburn. Sometimes I think that Danny dresses up like Rip Taylor and runs up and down the halls in Redskins Park throwing money around like confetti. And when that happens, I often wish that Joe Gibbs could be Rip Torn and throw a wrench at his head. Because if you can dodge a wrench, you can hire a GM.

Or we can just keep letting Vinny drive the ferrari.